Inside Coaching is where we dig into coaching conversations, starting with questions from real women* living savvy—my coaching clients, friends and readers. Don’t forget to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, and send in your questions here.
*Note: names and some specifics may be changed to protect privacy. Photo is Jo coaching with Vicky from the living savvy online TV series.
The question of guilt
Within one or two sessions with many of my coaching clients—busy women who are juggling multiple roles and responsibilities—we come up against the big obstacles of guilt and selfishness.
Of course, the fact that one of the first commitments I ask of my clients is a commitment to create time for self focus and reflection, usually brings these fears to the surface quickly. These are the kinds of questions I am asked:
I want to make a change, but I feel it’s selfish to do this at the cost of my family or my job or my other commitments. I’d be letting them down, how could I live with myself?
I try to make time for myself, to think about the questions you’ve asked me, but all the time I’m thinking about my to-do list. How can I focus on any of this stuff when I feel so guilty?
I’d like to set aside some time but somehow my schedule gets filled up week after week—my kids need a lift to sports practice, my best friend is organising her wedding, my boss is sick and needs extra support at work. How can I say ‘no’ to these real and important needs?
It’s a very tangled issue
The idea of ‘putting yourself first’ or being ‘selfish’ carries a lot of baggage with it. From our society and culture, from our personal history, and from the people in our lives right now. Not everyone is supportive when we start to make changes in our lives, and the fear of being labelled with these words can keep us from making any change at all.
Pay attention to language
Words are powerful in influencing our thoughts and feelings. We’ve spoken about how the words busy and nice can lock us into patterns that don’t serve us. An ordinary thing like changing a word or two can bring extraordinary results.
I’d like to shift our language from ‘selfish’ or ‘self-centred’ to having a ‘focus on self’, meaning that we are placing our attention on the unique person we are.
Think about the benefits
In a recent coaching session with Marianne she said “When I started to spend time with myself, I liked the person I got to know.” This was a catalyst for her to begin to work on a long-held but barely articulated dream.
Juliette Wright, founder of the GIVIT charity organisation said, “I’ve noticed that if the mother in the house is not well, not good, not happy then things get dire. It is my responsibility to make sure I’m happy and healthy otherwise the whole family goes to crap.”
You are worthy
Can you acknowledge that you are worthy of some of your own time and energy? If you give a lot of yourself caring for others, can you consider how giveing some focus to yourself could improve your life, and the lives of those around you?
Start with small steps to making room for yourself
Be conscious about when you say ‘no’ and when you say ‘yes’—practice saying ‘no’ to others and practice saying ‘yes’ to yourself.
Practice doing something pleasurable or nourishing just for you, with no justifications or explanations given to yourself or anyone else. Read a book, get a massage, enjoy a new flavour of coffee, or wear a brighter shade of lipstick. Welcome opportunities to show the same kindness and consideration to yourself as you show to others.
Your thoughts?
Do words like ‘selfish’ or ‘self-centred’ hole you back from taking time for yourself? How have you dealt with this issue? Share your experiences, or ask your questions, in the comments.
Related posts:
- Inside Coaching: How do I find time for myself (without the guilt)?
- Inside Coaching: Are my dreams big enough?
- Inside Coaching: What happens when you have the courage to act on your dreams?
- Inside Coaching with Jo: How do I find the time to make life changes?
- Inside coaching: I don’t have time to live extraordinary, I am too busy keeping up with the ordinary! (Pt 2)
