I’ll be straight with you. When someone first asked, soon after its release, if I was going to read A Pressure Cooker Saved My Life: How to Have it all, Do it all, and Keep it all Together, I made a face and said, “Not likely."
The thought running through my head was, “Ugh, yet another book by an overachieving woman who’s surprised to discover that children really do turn your life upside down. And who then, once she gets a handle on things, decides she’s got to share all her ‘secrets to success’ with the rest of us poor schmos.”
Harsh, right?
That harsh judgment, so easily made without really knowing a lot about the book or the author, was a red flag to me. One of my core values, which I bring to living savvy, is about being open-minded and learning by connecting with new information, people and experiences. This knee-jerk reaction was definitely ‘unsavvy’!
So, as with my recent breakfast with Layne Beachley I decided my strong reaction that was enough of a reason to go ahead and challenge my own preconceptions by reading the book.
What did I discover?
Juanita reached a point in her life where she was asking herself the big questions: What am I creating? and Where am I headed?
Her answers lead her to leave her “fabulous, exciting and utterly ridiculous life” living overseas to return to Australia “in search of normality, a nice boyfriend and a good night’s sleep.” What she got within two years was a husband (Mario), two kids and a huge mortgage while continuing her full-time, high-profile career in newscasting. The pressure resulted in a very public meltdown (losing her voice) during a live-to-air news bulletin in 2007.
You can always find some common ground – some points of connection
This is not a ‘poor me’ book. It is a book about choices, consequences, planning and preparation (or lack thereof) and finding your way. It’s a book about celebrating and being grateful for the ordinary things in life, about letting go and then moving forward, and about discovering how small things can bring amazing results. Sound familiar?
Although I didn’t agree with all of Juanita’s views, I often found myself nodding vigorously along with her observations. It’s absolutely true that life gets better when your youngest turns four. And relationship-wise, it’s a good idea to hang in there during those difficult early years, lower your expectations and be persistent in expressing what you need from life. (On the understanding, of course, that the relationship is basically healthy and not abusive.)
And to reinforce the point, I took that connection a step further!
When I finished the book I was inspired to email Juanita – here’s the savvy perspectives we shared:
Greetings Juanita,
I have been enjoying your book “A pressure cooker saved my life”. Although I won’t be rushing out to buy a pressure cooker, I understand how the small things in life can have such a positive impact and make a significant difference to quality and experience of life.
What has prompted me to drop you a line is the illustration on page 142. The emphasis on the many and diverse thoughts that occupy a woman’s mind (all the while we place high expectations on ourselves to give 100% to everything that we do – no wonder we run out of steam).
Another way of illustrating the diverse responsibilities that women handle in life is by simply taking a look at what they carry to and from the car.
In my work as a coach and a facilitator, I often ask women, “what do you carry?”
I rarely leave or return home with just one bag belonging to me (unlike my fella who daily leaves and enters the house carrying only his computer). One day I looked down to find myself carrying the washing (that I was taking to the ironing lady – thankfully), my briefcase (for work meetings), a gym bag (for a quick workout), shopping bags (for the groceries that I would pick up on my way home), the kids’ school bags and of course my handbag (which I am sure if I rummaged deep enough I would discover a couple of pairs of spare undies for the kids).
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that story telling is a magical gateway through which we can connect with others (and emerge educated, enriched and perhaps even a little enlightened).
Kind regards
Jo
Hi Jo
What a lovely email – it made me smile. The bag metaphor is SO apt. I was watching my neighbour walk to the bus stop the other day – he’s a merchant banker, a lovely man, and he was casually walking with his hands free, with only his mobile phone in one suit pocket, I guess, and his wallet in another. Meanwhile – like you – I was heading off to work lugging a variety of large bags, both arms fully laden, with my car keys hanging out of my mouth – totally ridiculous! Even before your email arrived, I’d thought to myself: that’s the difference between working dads and working mums. We’re never “hands free”.
I like the metaphor because a lot of what women “carry” is stuff for other people (kids, family, friends). Women carry responsibility for others, as well as themselves. It would be wonderful if those responsibilities could be shared so that we too, could experience the casual freedom of walking to work with our hands free, knowing that today at least, someone else was looking after the house and the kids, and organising dinner.
Anyway I’m off to check out your website – sounds terrific!
Thanks again for the feedback and for a thought-provoking observation.
Best wishes
Juanita.
Related posts:
I love this part: “That harsh judgment, so easily made without really knowing a lot about the book or the author, was a red flag to me. One of my core values, which I bring to living savvy, is about being open-minded and learning by connecting with new information, people and experiences. This knee-jerk reaction was definitely ‘unsavvy’!”
I’ve had some similar experiences lately. It’s always interesting for those of us who pride ourselves on being openminded to discover that we’re susceptible to the flaws that make us all human! Awareness is a wonderful thing, though, and even more admirable is (as Chris mentioned above) a willingness to share this publicly. Super amazing. And I’m so glad- though unsurprised, given your authentic starting point- that your experience was positive & you even corresponded with the author! Keep inspiring.
Thank you Tessa,
Juanita also pointed out in “our correspondence” about the term “high achiever” or “over achiever” beng used in a negative way, as if women who achieve success have somehow had an easy run and their opinions are less worthy than those still struggling.
One of my drivers in creating living Savvy was so women who have achieved success (aka are not living broken lives) but still want more or to do things differently can come and share their experiences & learn from each other and to challenge those assumptions that those who make it have had an easy ride or it is smooth sailing from then on.
Vicky’s story http://livingsavvy.com.au/vicky-starting-life-coaching is one of those. Very easy to look at Vicky and say tall, beautiful, smart – her life is so easy but in this video she gives a hint of the struggles when she shares “I have been working since age 11” and that” joining the defence force was freedom” – I always wonder if joining the military was freedom then what was home like.
I want the Living Savvy audience and community to go beyond looking at the superficial and wonder how did she make it happen? What can I learn from her? What does she have that I didn’t? etc.
Wonderful to hear from you.
Hi! Jo, I enjoyed reading your blog post. Ditto on the difference between mums and dads. I wish they’d share some of the load even just once a week. I’m a first-timer on your site and also a new mum, will definitely keep checking your blog for inspiration.
Welcome Lace,
One of the best tips Juanita shared in her book was the need for parents to continue to have those conversations where they negotiate what is needed and required by everyone. Usually these conversations are initiated by us, the mothers. I have had many of these chats with Andrew over the years (and continue to do so) – they are not always harmonious and we often cover the same things over again but perseverance is the key because change does come.
Andrew & I have fallen into traditional roles (although that was not my plan when we started down the parenthood road). I have found that starting small and building has worked for us. When Andrew started to unpack the dishwasher before he left for work – this was a big deal and made an extraordinary difference to my morning with the children. I also delegated Thursday drop off and pick up (once a week) to him to take the kids to childcare and then to school. He forgot the first morning and started to dress for a meeting – I had to stop myself from being a martyr and saying don’t worry I’ll do it – instead he had to change the meeting – he has never forgotten again.
Finally what worked for me was always keeping some small thing that was mine alone, like a run by myself once a week when the kids were babies, (again much planning & negotiating was needed) but it was worth the effort because it sets up the expectation that you are entitled to your time in your mind and your husbands.
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Jo
Hi Jo
One of the things I love about your Champagne Friday messages is that you are so openly honest about your feelings and response to different situations. I can readily relate to making a judgement on something or someone without really knowing all the facts and therefore possibly cutting off resources that could in fact enrich my life. My quickness to judge is one of those "bellief filters" I am working on that I realise can be pushing away a lot of good stuff from positively impacting on my life. I had not thought about creating a positive value to counteract being judgemental so I am about to think that one through and create a new value for my life and career.
You have encouraged me to be more proactive in settling down the judgemental side of my nature and to create a new belief that encompasses fresh possibilities in every situation I encounter and with each person I meet.
The interesing thing I have discovered about being judgemental is that for me this also reflects into my personal life and I find myself being harshly judgemental of myself. So this week I am making a commitment to let go of judging myself and others harshly and to embrace a broader sense of acceptance, understanding and respect.
Warm regard, Chris McRae
Hi Chris,
I wouldn't go so far as to say I have made friends with that judgemental feeling but I am pleased when it "pops in" for a visit as it does make me stop and reflect (which I believe is so important to Living Savvy). There are also many times when I feel judgement and then open myself up to the situation and discover that my original feeling and thoughts had not shifted. But this is also great as I then see this as an opportunity to be reminded what is important to me – those values & beliefs that you have spoken about.
Nice to hear from you again
Jo